Swipe Left Read online

  About the author

  LUCY is a London-based creator by day, an illustrator by night, and a singer-songwriter by accident. Her back catalogue of hits includes ‘Don’t Send Girls Pictures of Your Penis’ and ‘The Dating App Rap’ to name a few … She has combined her love of observational comedy and doodling on her Instagram page @thedoodlemaestro. Swipe Left is her first book.

  Copyright

  An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2019

  Copyright © Lucy Baker 2019

  Lucy Baker asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Ebook Edition © July 2019 ISBN: 9780008334468

  Contents

  Cover

  About the author

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Introduction

  CHAPTER 1. Profile Don’ts

  CHAPTER 2. Profile Do’s

  CHAPTER 3. Bio don’ts

  CHAPTER 4. Bio do’s

  CHAPTER 5. Messaging Don’ts

  CHAPTER 6. Messaging Do’s

  CHAPTER 7. First Date Don’ts

  CHAPTER 8. First Date Do’s

  GLOSSARY of dating terms

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  Dear Reader,

  A little while ago, I was in the darkest depths of singledom. I hadn’t dated anyone in a long time, it was utter desperation-stations. So, I did what any normal twenty-something would do … I downloaded dating apps and started swiping furiously. Determined to find the man of my dreams.

  The reality was disappointing.

  Though there were a select few profiles with potential, far too many fell into the ‘swipe left‘ category. From bathroom selfies to clunky bios, and some seriously questionable chat-up lines, the outlook seemed bleak.

  But all was not lost.

  Instead of despairing over Mike 29’s loo-mirror grimace, I decided to take action. I started noting down the things that I thought were appealing in a profile, and the things that would send anyone running for the hills. Friends offered up their own hilariously awkward anecdotes. And so, Swipe Left came to be.

  I hope you find it useful, or at the very least amusing. But more than anything, I hope it gets you a truly great date.

  Lucy

  CHAPTER 1. PROFILE DON’TS

  Don’t have a million people in your picture. This isn’t a game of Where’s Wally.

  Don’t be a catfish. They’re going to find out what you look like eventually.

  Don’t hide your face. You might end up dating someone IRL (hurray). In which case they’ll need to know what you actually look like.

  Don’t use your Linkedin photo. You ain’t gonna get endorsed on here honey.

  Don’t use selfies. There are only two conclusions to the selfie: You don’t have friends / You are intolerably vain. But if you really insist, for heaven’s sake DON’T DO IT IN THE BATHROOM.

  Don’t post pictures where you’re romantically engaged with somebody else. You’re sending out the wrong message.

  Don’t lie about your age…

  Don’t have a photo with someone much better looking than you… you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

  CHAPTER 2. PROFILE DO’S

  Demonstrate your passions, whatever they may be!

  Show some variety with each photo. Be creative. Express yourself!

  For goodness sake, SMILE!

  CHAPTER 3. BIO DON’TS

  DON’T POST EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE A BIT OF A NUTTER.

  Same goes for exclamation marks!!!!!!!!! Resist using more than two at a time!!!!!!!!!!! Exclamation marks are like cats. Any more than two and it makes you look weird.

  Don’t talk about your preference of a woman / man’s weight, people will just think you’re a complete arsehole. Because you are.

  Don’t lie about what you like doing. You might find yourself in a real pickle.

  Don’t say your favourite person / dream dinner guest is David Attenborough. Everyone’s favourite person is David Attenborough, and frankly we’re bored of it. Louis Theroux for that matter too.

  Don’t be too prescriptive in who you’re looking for...

  Don’t pretend you’re 6ft7 when you’re 5ft1. They’ll find out. Tell the truth. The chances are, they’ll like you anyway!

  Don’t go overkill on the emojis. Throw a couple of words in there too.

  CHAPTER 4. BIO DO’S

  Show your sense of humour.

  Be honest about what you’re there for.

  Keep your bio short & snappy.

  Look to the future, don’t dwell on the past.

  CHAPTER 5. MESSAGING DON’TS

  Don’t ghost people. Unless you are a ghost. In which case, ghost away.

  Don’t send pictures of your privates, ESPECIALLY if they haven’tasked for them...

  1.If you don’t know them you can’t trust they won’t show other people

  2.It ruins all the mystery

  3.It ain’t that pretty

  Don’t give out your personal details until you’ve met them.

  If the other person decides they don’t wish to pursue the conversation further, don’t hound, beg or criticise. Respect their decision and move on. You’ll look better for doing it.

  Don’t just reply with YES / NO answers. They’ll soon tire of you!

  CHAPTER 6. MESSAGING DO’S

  Once you’ve matched, get chatting straight away.

  If in doubt, use a pun.

  Be truthful about your own interests. You’re here to meet someone who likes you for who you are.

  Once you’ve chatted for a while and gained their trust, for goodness sake ask them on a date!

  CHAPTER 7. FIRST DATE DON’TS

  Don’t take them anywhere where they might think you’re about to murder them / where they could murder you. Go somewhere public, just in case.

  Bad opening lines.

  Don’t reveal how much you already know about them. Even though you’ve done the inevitable Facebook / instagram / Linkedin stalk, PLEASE try and pretend you haven’t.

  Don’t order spaghetti. It’s carnage. Or anything garlicky for that matter.

  Don’t just talk about yourself.

  Don’t make any grand declarations of love straight away.

  Don’t plan your entire lives together before you’ve got to know them.

  DON’T get the same tube / bus home, it makes for an awkward goodbye.

  CHAPTER 8. FIRST DATE DO’S

  Ask them lots of questions.

  So what sort of music are you into?

  What’s would your death row meal be?

  What would you do if you won the lottery?

  But not too many...

  What was your Grandmother’s maiden name?

  What’s your blood type?

  Go somewhere where there are things to talk about.

  Pick a place where you can actually hear them.

  Go somewhere affordable.

  Have an exit strategy.

  Playing games can be a fun way to ease the nerves.

  GLOSSARY OF DATING TERMS

  Breadcrumbing

  the act of sending out flirtatious, but noncommittal text messages (ie “breadcrumbs”) in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.

  Cushioning

  If you’re “cushioning” someone, it means you’re dating them but you don’t think it’s going to end well. Instead of cutting loose, you prepare for the break-up by chatting and flirting with several other people, to cushion the blow when it happens.

  Ghosting

  When a person cuts off all communication with the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.

  Orbiting

  when the person who ghosted you, continues to linger in your life by watching every single one of Instagram stories and liking/commenting on your social media posts.

  Netflix and chill

  when the person who ghosted you, continues to linger in your life by watching every single one of Instagram stories and liking/commenting on your social media posts.

  Alternatives: Amazon Prime & Sexy Time DVD and D in V BBC iPlayer & I play her HBO & Fellatio

  Stashing:

  when the person you’re dating doesn’t introduce you to their friends or family, and doesn’t post about you on social media. Basically, you’re their secret boyfriend or girlfriend, while they feel justified in “stashing” you in the corner, pretending nothing is going on to the o
utside world

  Zombying

  Ghosters who decide to resurface are ‘zombies’. Zombying usually occurs a fair amount of time after they disappeared into thin air. Often acting like nothing happened, like a smug, re-animated corpse.

  Catch and release

  When someone puts all their effort into flirtatious texts, and trying to date you, until they “catch” you. Then, when you finally agree to the date, they immediately lose interest.

  Catfishing

  The term “catfish” was coined by the documentary film Catfish by Henry Joost, Nev Schulman, and Ariel Schulman, and refers to when a person lures someone into a relationship by pretending to be someone else in an online platform.

  Kittenfishing

  “Kittenfishing” is like a less severe form of catfishing. It refers to when you present yourself in an unrealistically positive way on your dating apps — for example, by only using photos which are years out of date or heavily edited, or lying about your age, job, height, and hobbies.

  Cuffing

  When winter is on its way so you grab the nearest person to you and couple up, to save spending those chilly winter nights alone.

  Monkeying

  When you move from one relationship to the next without any time in between, like a monkey swinging from the branches of a tree.

  Peacocking

  When you dress up flamboyantly to gain attention. It can work quite well, just don’t take it too far.

  About the Publisher

  Australia

  HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

  Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street

  Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia

  http://www.harpercollins.com.au

  Canada

  HarperCollins Canada

  Bay Adelaide Centre, East Tower

  22 Adelaide Street West, 41st Floor

  Toronto, ON, M5H 4E3, Canada

  http://www.harpercollins.ca

  India

  HarperCollins India

  A 75, Sector 57

  Noida, Uttar Pradesh 201 301, India

  http://www.harpercollins.co.in

  New Zealand

  HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited

  P.O. Box 1

  Auckland, New Zealand

  http://www.harpercollins.co.nz

  United Kingdom

  HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  http://www.harpercollins.co.uk

  United States

  HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

  195 Broadway

  New York, NY 10007

  http://www.harpercollins.com

 

 

  Lucy Baker, Swipe Left

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